I am an organizer. At age 12 I took on the responsibilities of facilitating the move of my family of four to a new home in a new large city. I anticipate the needs of individuals and fulfill the responsibility to make life cohesive. I am one step ahead. I am a visionary. I have been referred as an 'Indigo Child'.
I posses excellent spatial skills and drew up the floor plans and elevations of imaginary homes on the wet sand at the Oregon coast beach when I was six-years old. When I look at architect's floor plans I see the relationships of the rooms and the flow and the framed views from inside to the outside through the window and the outdoor plant materials and their relationship to the home and extension of the home to outdoor rooms. As a teen I loved making one-quarter inch architect scale models with foam-core board and balsa wood of the ultra-modern homes where I lived.
I spent the entire year of 2016 designing and building an entirely new organic fruit and vegetable garden which included an eight foot deer proof fence, eight cedar ten-foot length raised garden beds, hand grading the paths, building a 24'x 18' wood garden storage building and installing shiplap walls, electrical, plumbing, galvanized ceiling, painting and stenciling the concrete floors and wood walls. So much work. I am so happy the project is completed, but, I am also very disappointed in myself for taking on such a large singular project that kept me out of my studio for one entire year.
My organizing and perfection is in my work. I see so vividly what I want to produce it takes on a three dimensional aura. My work MUST be perfect when completed that I often do not begin because of my own self limiting need for perfection. I am currently working on embroidery skills that I believe are essential for my piece that I have titled 'Lost Heirlooms'. I have been practicing my embroidery skills for this piece with bits and pieces of the elements for years. I am finally at a point in my life where I have not taken on more 'projects' that would and have diverted my attention. I know that I can produce 'Lost Heirlooms' without all the hand embroidery with a contemporary result, but, I am hell bent on honoring the era of 1910 and using Linen and silk with an emphases on heavy traditional hand embroidery. I love handwork although not an expert. I often remind myself to 'chill out' 'go with the flow' 'take the least traveled path and just let it happen!'
Many of my skills get in my way. My organizing skills become an obsession. I build cabinets to store my 'treasures' sorting through them, organizing them by item and color and placing them in small plastic clear lidded boxes and little drawers. My fabric is folded to expose a folded edge then stacked by color and pattern.
I can spend so much time 'organizing' I do not complete my work. And since I think about a project inside, outside, top, bottom, black and white, four-color, large, small, oversized I become so overwhelmed and then fearful that my work won't look like the pins I save on my Pinterest account and self-doubt creeps into my once overly confident nature and I am frozen in time and view the layout of shapes and colors and embroidery samples on my padded display wall and never complete my 'brilliant' vision.
I am constantly at odds with myself, the tug of war battle. I am enjoying the embroidery for 'Lost Heirlooms' but, I keep envisioning different materials and the layout is very straight forward and simple and perhaps plain and I keep hearing the voices of the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other one whispering to keep working, maybe your style is simple, the other says "yeah, you are going to work on this piece how many months and it will not be the masterpiece you envision.
"Keep working on 'Lost Heirlooms' for yourself I have to change the narrative.
For the memory of your Swedish Grandmother. Don't give up.