Isn’t it sad that we have to “force” ourselves to play–and that it is seen as if not a defeat, but a compromise??? I know when I started this part of my life, it was all about the playing, and if the end result was good, i was even happier. I’m trying to remember that even when i’m serious about something, it doesn’t have to be earth shattering or the only reason for doing it. The Rebel Committee is constantly battling the Internal Tribe Review Board! I really just want to be left alone--NO voices, NO eyes on me, NO critiques or even compliments, just let me DO and BE. Then "you/they" can have their say, good or bad, because i'm *not* creating in or for a vacuum.
Jealousy. Envy. I don't want to do what anyone else is doing, but i wonder if i am on the right track with what i do, when i see work that is getting grand exposure, in galleries, biennales and online. I do better than some of it, i do worse---i have to revise that thought--i am not "worse" or do not "not get concept": i am different. Can i, in doing that, thwart Comparison and Conformity????
The nastiest person on this critical committee is Expense---this DOES come into play for creating--not the cost of materials, not the cost of time, but the cost of getting something somewhere, whether it be the logistics and dollar cost, or the emotional showing of the work, the letting it go into the world and be seen, interpreted, translated, taken to the heart or turning away the hive mind viewpoint.
That's a big voice, that expense one, when it comes to the actual meaning of the word. I need to learn to work around/against/over it--find the funding, find the handle that opens that door. Sometimes opportunity comes knocking with a collection plate held out that must be filled first--how can i turn it into an offering plate instead?
Several years ago, i "gave myself permission" to have "Jam Days", times when i just sampled, experimented, played, made messes and chaos, had no expectations. Good work came from them, but there was still a little voice that said it wasn't important enough to demand equal pay. After all, if i have to have "permission", how free is that???? Deliberately then this year, ihave decided to instead approach it with a sense of humour and call it "Screwing Around, With Intent". Already i have started work that is done purely one day at a time, with layers building in intuitively. I still do my research and development, but i'm looking further afield!
("Jam Day": From Lewis Carroll's "Through the Looking-Glass" (1871), where Alice is offered “jam to-morrow and jam yesterday — but never jam to-day”. This is a pun on a mnemonic for the usage of iam in Latin (note i/j conflation in Latin spelling), which means “now”, but only in the future or past tense, not in the present (which is instead nunc). Source Wikipedia)