So I ended up doing a stream of consciousness writing and a telling off letter to my mom. I didn't get to a place of forgiveness but made it as far as compassion. She was a constant critic and very judgmental person and she was my whole world when I was younger. I remember working very hard to make her happy but she rarely was. I remember asking her about her decision to be a wife and mom and she would say how women at that time were just suppose to get married and have children. You get older, hopefully wiser, and see parents as just people who were doing the best they could at that time who really didn't have all the answers. She is not here to talk to but I think she didn't believe she deserved to be happy. I know why she is on my committee. I felt responsible for her unhappiness. I know why she needs to be removed from the committee. I don't want to live that way or have that kind of relationship to my family.
A full circle moment came about a year ago when my stepfather sent me all of my mom's craft stuff. I gave a boatload of yarn to my daughter's art teacher for her weaving projects. It feels good to let all of it go for something good. I have some of my mom's unfinished knitting projects that, when finished, represent my freedom from her on my committee. There is a multicolored afghan. That will go back to my stepfather when it is done.
Another project in my mom's knitting were pieces of an afghan she complained about because she never finished it. I could not throw them out, it was beautiful work. I could not keep them. My stitch-n-bitch club suggested I make scarves out of the pieces. I love the idea that the original afghan was never finished because it really wanted to be scarves. I will enjoy giving away the scarves and letting go of everything I feel when I look at them. I hope they will be a blessing to someone else.