I have been working all week on squares but thought I would never get the opportunity to shoot photos and post. For four months I have been trying to keep my mom out of a nursing home and this week has been pretty intense. I mention this mainly because I see things emerging in the squares that feel very revealing as to my state of mind. I started cutting with scissors randomly and found it fun and exciting how simple ideas lead to dynamic designs and did 5 of those. Then I felt like Ican anticipate too much what will happen so I got annoyed. I tried using an exacto knife which led to a traced shape of a leaf I had pressed, with imaginary veins in the leaf. Hmmm. Sort of interesting in its simplicity, moved on to break rules and did another different leaf, more cutting andshapes and got really annoyed and bored. I went back to the random scissor cutting and made the second design I am sharing with a paper copy of dyed pink fabric. I was very lost in this, and I find it looks very figurative. I wanted to move into fabric and had lots of ideas (mostly book making) but never got that far. I played with the design over the last two days and it is still just more thinking than a thing. I put the dyed fabric threads over it since I want to hand stitch it down in a grid of some sort. This final piece feels broken, like me, and scattered in too many directions trying to hold together. (It might be in the recycle fabric basket tomorrow!)
As for rebel, I can say I always was one, but told not to be and not accepted as such. I don’t go as far as I could or should and then hit a wall, maintained by myself, and that I haven’t quite figured out yet. I am afraid of success because I am taking care of very needy people and I can only stretch myself so thin…potentially leading to failure. My studio is my only place to truly let go. I just hope I can gather focus, slow down and move forward with compassion for myself.