What keeps me from making?
More than anything else, it’s the fear of “messing up,” whatever that means. My inner critic is so loud that it shuts down even those artistic attempts that only I will see. I have tons of books on all sorts of crafts – printmaking, natural dyeing, handmade books, felting, collage. Have I actually engaged in any of these activities? No. Why not? Because I’m afraid I’ll find out I’m a failure. For as long as I don’t try, I can still think maybe I can do these things.
I’m extremely fortunate in that I have the resources to purchase the supplies to pursue these activities. I have the space. I have the time. What I lack is the self-confidence to get started. Sometimes I think maybe I’m just lazy. I get really angry at myself for my “stuckness.”
I don’t think my problem is that I’m not rebellious enough. I’ve always been willing to go against the grain for things I really believe in. I’ve never had a problem putting myself first, maybe even to the point of being selfish. No one would call me co-dependent.
No, my problem seems to be more a fear of letting go. It’s as if the passageway of my creative energy is blocked. It’s sort of like being in a dream where you want desperately to speak (or scream!) and you can’t. I know there’s something inside, trying to get out, but it can’t push past the critical “who do you think you’re kidding” voice.
I will explore the rebel archetype, though. (One thing I’m good at is research, research, research! It’s another thing that keeps me from making. I invest in books as a circling activity to keep from actively doing.) Maybe Caroline Myss’ book, Sacred Contracts, added to my ever-growing stack of self-help tomes, will get me closer to excavating the voice that’s dying to get out.
I have a suspicion, though, that committing to doing the second part of this week’s assignment and actually making something will be more instrumental in opening that critical passageway, even if only a little.